I never feel like I am able to live up to what is expected of me by others and even what I expect of myself. I was (kind of still am) the straight A student; who goes to church with grandma every Sunday, does everything she can to help others and always doing things I don’t particularly want to do in order to keep other people happy.
I just suddenly feel like I can’t be perfect anymore. School has become increasingly hard and I don’t have time to do lots of things I used to and the time I do have I would rather spend with my boyfriend… which brings me back to worrying that I’m letting him get in the way of things but thats normal right? Always want to be with him, be around him, texting him, calling him..?
I’m not saying that I don’t want to do well in school don’t get me wrong, I would love to do well. However in my recent mocks I got 2 B’s and 2 D’s (my worst grades I’ve ever had) however many students did badly as the jump between GCSE and A Level is exceptionally high. I just don’t feel like working. Last year I work so hard for my exams and I really don’t want to throw everything away.
I feel like I set my goal too high too early on and now its too late to change my mind as I have no idea what I could do otherwise. Last year I said that I wanted to become a doctor and did well enough in last years exams to do so (if I got exceptional grades this year and next) however I literally hate school. My mum hates seeing me going into school upset and I just can’t explain whats wrong. Just the thought of going to school makes me feel sick to the stomach. And yes, I am getting homework done etc but I should be putting in extra hours of ‘independent learning’ as the school likes to call it and I’m not. I hate the lessons in school so the last thing I want to be doing is schoolwork when I don’t have to be.
I can’t even live up to my grandmas expectations anymore… I used to go to her house every Saturday without fail and spend the night there and go to church with her the next day and then spend Sundays with her. I also go to church with her every Thursday to ring the bells. It’s just sometimes I don’t want to. I would rather be with my friends. However if I do cancel and tell her I don’t feel like it the guilt hits me and it makes me question everything. She says she doesn’t mind however makes little side remarks showing she notices I don’t spend as much time with her anymore and I love my grandma so much I don’t want to upset her.
I dont live up to my parents expectations either I think. They always think I should be doing more school work and not be out with my boyfriend (which sometimes I agree is true but you can’t be working all the time). My brother puts no effort in at school and my sister isn’t the brightest spark so I think I’m the one expected to do well.
Even my boyfriend has high expectations of me. It’s always encouraging support saying that if I aim high I’ll do it and so on but even so this causes extra pressure as I want to do well for him too.
If I’m honest, I am just in a bit of a state of confusion. Not knowing where my priorities should lie, how much schoolwork I should do, what I should be aiming for.
I dont have a clue about other potential jobs I could go into. It would be nice to have another career path I could aim for as i seriously think that medicine is aiming too high and makes me feel sick to even think about it as I just know deep down I would never reach this goal.
Sorry for the late night rambling, it probable makes no sense whatsoever but hopefully I can sleep now I’ve got this off my chest.
Anyways, I’m off.